I missed God🥺

My younger sister once told me she never understood me. Not really. She couldn’t understand how someone could constantly sing about missing people. Missing friends. Missing moments. Missing memories.

If you asked my family about me, they would probably laugh first and then say, “She has a very soft heart.” So soft that they filter sensitive information before it reaches me. They assume that if something is too heavy, it might break me. Maybe they imagine I would fall sick from it. Or worse. I don’t know. What they don’t always see, though, is the other side of me. The strict side. The no-nonsense version. When it comes to foolishness, I transform. Ask my younger brother. Whenever he messed up, my mother would literally hide him from me. Because… well. Anyway.

So, this same sister used to say I make her look bad. That she doesn’t miss people, not even her friends. Meanwhile, me? You’d always hear me missing kanaka na kanaka. Easily. Freely.

Lately, I’ve been missing an old friend. And if I am honest, I still do miss that person. But pride…... pride is loud. Last night I almost reached out indirectly, just to test the waters. But something inside whispered sharply, “wapfa!” — don’t you dare! Ubwo nzanywa amazi bishire. Or maybe one day I’ll swallow my pride and reach out. If I perish, I perish.

Sometimes I sit and wonder: I wish I had known God earlier. I wish I had started this journey years ago. What was I even chasing all that time? What used to ignite me? What used to make me feel like I could scream from the top of my lungs or dance without reason? I wish I had encountered Jesus sooner. Maybe I missed a lot. Although… maybe I was being prepared.

Last November, I read The Gift of Monday by my pastor, Hassan Kibirango. That book resurrected something in me, especially in my work life. It reminded me that Monday is not a curse. Work is not punishment. It is purpose. This reawakened my discipline.

And yes, I genuinely love my job — ntitaye kubanca no kubinca intege, lol. It is an answered prayer. So, if you ever hear me complaining, just know it’s a human moment reacting to a temporary situation. Not ingratitude.

One lesson from Hassan stayed with me: log out when you leave work. Truly log out. So now, when I am at the office, I focus. I deliver. I refuse to waste time. Because when it’s time to go home, I go home. I rest. I prepare for tomorrow.

Today I logged out around 7 PM and came back to my little sanctuary. I was on the couch when the landlord passed by with my rental contract, malgré le fait que I’ve been here for over six months, lol. We talked for a while. He asked me again why I’m not an Adventist — Dano’s effect from the first day we viewed this place.

It was his first time stepping inside my house, and he couldn’t stop admiring it. He said I should only leave when I’m getting married. Hahaha. Meanwhile, I was complaining about my neighbor and his loud music, saying he might be the one to chase me out before then. But honestly? He’s a good guy (my neighbor). Calm and peaceful. We only exchange mwiriwe and mwaramutse, but I can tell he has a good heart. But I always fail to understand how hard it is for him to lower the volume.

After signing the contract, silence returned. And so did the familiar feeling.

I miss people de temps en temps. That’s just who I am. I pray too; sometimes casually, sometimes intensely. But recently, I realized something deeper: I’ve been missing God. Not in a dramatic way. Just… subtly. Kwa Kundi, ukumbura nk’umuntu ukumva biranze. I missed lingering in His presence. Not because I needed something. Not because I had a prayer list. Just to be there. To sit. Or kneel. Or stand. To praise Him for being Creator. Maker. Almighty. To thank Him simply for being God.

Every time I think about creation — really think about it, I break. The precision. The order. The beauty. The orchestration of things seen and unseen. How everything has a purpose. How nothing is accidental. How even time obeys Him. If only we truly admired this. If only we recognized His hand in every detail. That longing is what pulled me into His presence today. I sat down and began.

Earlier this week, on Monday morning while preparing for work, I was listening to Ap. Dan Ruhinda teaching on fellowship with God. He read Psalm 84 and I was caught by the first line of verse 10: “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.” That line lodged itself inside me. And today, when I stepped into His courts, something happened. Joy. Wild joy. Fire. I felt alive in a way I cannot explain. I wanted to scream. Instead, I cried. Deep, uncontrollable tears. The world disappeared for nearly two hours. I was carried by the Holy Spirit. I don’t even know how to put this into words. There is absolutely nothing I would exchange that for. Nothing.

Being in God’s presence, not transactionally, not with a list, but with a grateful heart, singing about His holiness… tu te racontes? It felt like heaven brushing against earth. And then it hit me again. Among all the decisions God made — galaxies, oceans, systems, laws of physics, He chose that I should exist. He literally said, “BAHO!” Nyiribihe. Nyiribiremwa. Nyiricyubahiro. Nyiribyose. Yashatse kandi yashimye ko mbaho.yoh! So, who am I not to live?

Earlier this year, I listened to Pastor Senga Emmanuel teaching on fellowship with God as well. He said: “Ntitwakagombye gusenga dusaba kuko Data azi ibyo twifuza na mbere yuko tubisaba, ahubwo gusenga kwacu kwakabaye ari ugusabana n’Imana.” That changed something in me. He explained: When parents have kids, they already know what their children need. It’s not the kids’ job to remind them. And what makes parents happiest is simply spending quality time with their children, watching them enjoy a meal they’ve provided, savoring life. Sometimes, the parent gives something extra, outside the budget, because they are too happy spending time with the kids.

That’s exactly what God wants from us. He will provide what we need. I believe He already has. He simply wants us to spend time with Him, getting to know Him better.

Let me ask you: Has it ever happened that you worked extremely hard for something and didn’t get it? Or received something unexpectedly, without effort? What do you think that is? Or don’t you know brilliant, very smart people, even your classmates whom after graduating don’t know what a job looks like? How about those ones whom you thought were not even going to finish their second year but they are the ones who made it in life? GRACE. It is all by grace. It is not by works so that no one can boast.

That’s why I wasn’t driven by any prayer request. Cyane ko sometimes I don’t even know what I want or how to ask for what I want. But when I remember that the One who created me is responsible for me, and that His thoughts towards me are thoughts of peace and not evil… apu, I relax. It doesn’t mean I don’t pray for things; I do. But today, I simply missed God, not transactionally, but just to be with Him.

I longed for it, And my soul is full now, though I will never get enough.

Ngukumbuje ibyo bihe!